why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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