Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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