The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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