once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
