why didn't you poke me back
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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