I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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