and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
