you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
