I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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