anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
