Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
