he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
