I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
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