At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
