If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
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He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
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Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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