Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
