I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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