I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
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