If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Come back. Shots need mouths.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
