The maid of honor just puked.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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