i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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