You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i think i have two assholes
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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