if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
