time to smoke my breakfast
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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