my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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