Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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