The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Randomize
