I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
