Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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