Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
