Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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