The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
