Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
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She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
don't judge my taste in strippers
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
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Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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