So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
