just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
