My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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