i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
