How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.