The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
