I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
