Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
