My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
