he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
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It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
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making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
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