Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
