Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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