oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
