You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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