So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Can Purell be used as lube?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Randomize
