I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
