My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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