I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i dont even know how to be here
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
