So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
