last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
