You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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