did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
