260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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