we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
